The Anti-Pinterest: Making You Feel Better About Your Home, Body, Parenting...

Where do you go for your daily dose of self-loathing? If you're anything like me, you probably get it at Pinterest. 

Most of us used to rely on lady mags, Martha Stewart, and judgmental friends to make us feel bad about our bodies, home decor, and parenting. Thankfully, we no longer have to wait until the beginning of the month, or even pay to look at pretty pictures of unattainable bodies, home decor and parenting!

My husband on One Life to Live!

Our daughter was running around for a week yelling "Gigi Morasco!!" after my husband shot this small part on yesterday's episode of One Life to Live.

Follow this link if you want to see it:
http://youtu.be/9O4OB8bHpAc?t=4m35s

Male Pattern Boldness Day!

Me with the world's most popular and (arguably) the sweetest male sewing blogger

It feels a little like Boxing Day (that's the day after Christmas for you Americans).  That's because today is the day after the First Annual (I added that part, but I hope it's true) Male Pattern Boldness Day, a day in which sewers from all over the Tri-State area (and beyond) gathered together to man-handle the collectibles at Chelsea Flea Market, be inspired by sporting clothes through the decades at FIT, and shop every divey fabric store frequented by our guru in all things glam, gathered and on-grain, the inestimable Peter Lappin of Male Pattern Boldness.

Our benevolent leader Mr. Lappin ushered us from one location to the next with all the grace of a senior summer camp counselor. Though I kept referring to my new friends by their place names (Florida; El Paso; Washington Heights), Peter somehow managed to remember all 25-ish people who showed up for the event.

The first stop was Chelsea Flea Market (not to be confused with Chelsea Market, which my husband clearly did when he said, "ooh, you can get cake!"). The Chelsea Flea is located on 25th Street near Sixth Avenue and it most definitely doesn't serve cake. I've been once before, years ago when I first moved to New York. It's an institution and Peter says he has even seen such celebrities as Parker Posey and Catherine Deneuve shopping there on a Saturday morning.

I didn't buy anything though I was tempted by some housewares and antique toys. But the price points were so...Manhattan. And after the first few times I queried the price of something and was quoted a sum five times higher than what I was expecting, I just stopped considering these were things for sale (the pair of dress form-shaped lamps will just have to live on in my memory). Because I am Canadian, and we don't negotiate. If we did, there wouldn't be a weird little strip of Minnesota in Ontario's Lake of the Woods region. When a Canadian hears the price of something is five times higher than she expected, she says something complimentary ("So beautiful!") and then scoots her ass out of there before she breaks something. Of course, others in our group found some great buys, so maybe it's just my problem.

Following the flea market, we joined the rest of the group at the Fashion Institute of Technology for the Sporting Life exhibit. I've taken three classes there now, but had never been to the museum. I'm always running to class right after dropping Lucy with a friend who watches her until my husband gets home. Look at how many sewers showed up for the main event!

I stole this pic from Peter's blog post. What are you going to do about it?

The exhibit was a treat. I loved seeing how impractical play clothes for women once were:

Woolen bathing costume!

Sailing outfit — because a floor-length skirt is what you need when you're hoisting the main

I didn't take any of my own pictures because there were enough security guards in the little museum to start a basketball team, and I didn't want the embarrassment of getting kicked out.

After that, the lot of us ate lunch around the corner at the Brown Cup cafe before moving on to the fabric shopping portion of our day. I usually head to the same two or three places, and was excited to see what shops Peter would take us to. Nothing was as divey as I expected (he's always blogging his $2/yard finds, so I was expecting to find wood shavings on the floor). On 38th Street, we hit Sil Thread and The Spandex House, then H&M, Chic and Mood. I bought black silk organza at H&M ($8/yard) to underline a silk dress I will hopefully start working on soon, as well as more ivory tulle ($1.50/yard) for Lucy's flower girl dress and a cute vintagey coral jersey with a muted stripey pattern ($5/yard). It was really fun to hear what projects the other sewers were working on (I wish Tambira had a blog so I could see how her sexy sequined skirt turns out!).

On the way to Mood, we passed by Olivier Green from this season of Project Runway, sullenly carrying a Mood bag. On his way back to Parsons to complete the day's challenge? That would be my guess.

What is with that guy's accent? He's from Ohio!

Later at Mood, the already-packed store was suddenly flooded with people carrying walkie talkies. Project Runway production staff prepping for a shoot? What else could it have been? We didn't stick around to find out.


That's because the group still had energy to spare, so we walked to Around the World Magazines (on the south side of Bryant Park), which stocks international pattern and fashion magazines (as well as pricey textbooks), before finishing the day at nearby Kinokuniya, a super cool Japanese bookstore that sells lovely pattern and design books. Then my new pals grabbed snacks and iced coffees and relaxed in Bryant Park. I had to run to a three-year-old's birthday party and was sad to see the day end. I hope MPB Day becomes an annual tradition. (I could totally see Peter with a headset on the top floor of a double-decker bus leading dozens of international sewers on a personalized tour of NYC....think about it, Peter!)

Project Dumbway

My husband and I have a A LOT of really great ideas for TV shows. It's kind of a pastime of ours — thinking up TV show ideas. Which is in no way useful considering neither of us works in TV. (My husband has written a screenplay, which I think is hilarious — the screenplay, that is, NOT the fact that he wrote one).

I don't want to give anything away (because if I crack an issue of Variety to see "The Super" is in development, someone's head is gonna roll), but I do believe one of our strongest ideas yet is "Project Dumbway," a Project Runway-style show where contestants compete in design challenges that see them create a new look based on some theme or set of materials. But here's the catch: our contestants are not designers. They're not even seamstresses. They're dudes like my husband. And your husband. Can't quite picture it yet?

Picture my husband on the left; yours on the right. Comedy gold!

Imagine if you took 10 funny people who knew nothing about clothing, construction, fabric, or sewing, and told them: we're going to Petland, here's $100 to create a look based on the materials you can buy there. If you knew my husband, you would know it would be comedy gold to watch him try to fashion something — anything — from, well, just about anything. What got us thinking about it was this guy from last season of the Greatest Show on Earth:

 The very first episode Jason has to make a new garment from another contestant's kimono. So he puts it on the model backward, and...I don't know. See for yourself:

The entire episode my husband kept saying, "THAT'S TOTALLY WHAT I WOULD DO!" which was so not a compliment. (Jason wasn't eliminated, though I think they just wanted to see what the hell he would do next because it's good TV — JUST LIKE PROJECT DUMBWAY!)

Anyway, that lead me to think: how would my husband's design and construction skills fare against my friend Lizzi's husband? He's pretty stylish, but would he actually be capable of doing more to a kimono than putting it on backward? And then Ryan (my husband) started getting cocky, saying things like, "I bet I'd be way better than Joe (another neighbourhood friend). At least I've seen you sew!"


We probably wouldn't be able to get Michael Kors or Nina Garcia as judges, but I bet Heidi Klum would do it. She's so darn cute, and with a snappy sense of humour that totally belies her German heritage. Just imagine how charmed she would be by your husband's earnest attempt at a shift dress made from floor mats.

Project Dumbway on Comedy Central. Think about it.

I wish I could say this was an ironic gift

It's a good thing my mom doesn't have the Internet. Or a computer. Because otherwise I might feel bad about sharing this book she sent my daughter for her third birthday this week.

Little Mommy was written in 1967, and it depicts a simpler time, when little girls knew their place and could happily play out their maternal fantasies without fear of judgment from their bitch feminist friends (like me).

 

 Aw, isn't that sweet? A little girl playing with her dolls. Just delightful. This is probably as far as my mom read before buying this book. I am generously giving her that benefit of the doubt because I would hate to think she read the whole thing and still thought it appropriate for my 21st Century girl.

 Wait, what? Is this book set in Westchester? And does daddy work in advertising? I guess Baby Betty Draper does look pretty happy...

 Doing the dolls' hair sounds OK, but playing at wiping fingerprints off the door? What kind of weirdo OCD kid plays at cleaning a door? I don't even do that and I AM a mom with several doors in need of a good wipedown. I think Little Mommy's mommy needs to make an appointment with one of those head-shrinkers she's been hearing about.

 It's all so idyllic...but I've seen Mad Men. I know the only people who had it better in the 1960s were alcoholics and rapists and she's absolutely seething with resentment. There's probably a cocktail spiked with downers hidden in that laundry basket. Oh, here's comes Billy/Daddy, home for dinner. Is that lipstick on his collar? His secretary is such a slut. But if she says anything, he'll slap her again and Little Mommy is out of pancake makeup.

I hope Little Mommy has a Little Something on the side because I bet that asshole Billy doesn't appreciate at all how hard she worked to wipe his scummy fingerprints off her damn door.

This makes me so happy

Someone found my blog by googling "Mormon Spanx."

A Jumpsuit...no, really

This week's class project for my patternmaking class is a jumpsuit. I didn't reckon I would ever wear a jumpsuit (seeing as you have to disrobe completely to pee in public — no thanks), so I made mine from some printed IKEA cotton a friend gave me. Now that it's almost done, I'm kinda regretting not buying something cool. What do you think? Should I make another one, for reals this time?

Why I Love Vintage Sewing Books

Love those prints!

 The reason I love vintage sewing books is not because they are helpful. In general, I find them to be pretty useless. There aren't pictures to correspond with the explanation of complicated techniques (like sewing a welt pocket, for example) and the instructions assume a great deal of knowledge that would likely presuppose you reading "The Complete Book of Sewing" (pictured here, published in 1972). If I need to know how to do something (today I'm sewing a fly, for example) I turn to online tutorials. But if I need a laugh, I crack a sewing book. I'm sure it's copyright infringement to publish all these pictures here, but I consider this a public service:

This book predates "Annie Hall" by five years. Maybe the costumer was inspired by "The Complete Book of Sewing?"

Sure, some of the looks are quite timeless, like the photo above. But most are not. Because this was the '70s. Remember the '70s? All those weekends spent fishing with your family in matching overalls? Wait, is that Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys?

 And some looks are just so incongruous, I have to wonder what was really going on in America at the time. Like this braless Holly Hobbie. Is this some early version of what we now call a Slutoween costume? "Little Whorehouse on the Prairie"?

 

The '70s were a costumey period in fashion, alright. How cute is this?

 Off topic, my husband thinks this following picture was shot at Bethesda Fountain in Central Park. I don't think so. Any New Yorkers care to weigh in? Whenever we go by that fountain, Ryan says the exact same thing: "This fountain was in the opening shot of Angels in America." And then I say, "I never really cared for Della Reese," which never fails to exasperate him no matter how many times he hears it.

 

 Moving on, I love the advice in this book – and there's plenty. For example: "For a fashion conscious teenager, make a tote and suspenders to match. Sets like this are great moneymakers at bazaars!"

Actually, that's kind of cool.

Can anyone tell me what a "vestee" is?

If Only Pants Grew On Trees

Remember when you had to sneak junk food behind your parents' backs? Here's some news for you: when you have a kid (at least a small one, like mine, who is home ALL THE TIME), you have to do the same damn thing, but you have even fewer opportunities to snarf down a bag of Mini Eggs in secret. Because when you have a kid, you have to share everything with them. And they sure learn how to count quick when rationing M&Ms is involved. I haven't had a plate of food to myself in two years. For some reason, whatever I'm eating (including the scoop of icecream I'm inhaling behind the open door of the refrigerator) just looks better to her than anything she's served.

Anyway, aside from this candy business, it is so very so sweet when our kids copy the things we do. Like Lucy here, measuring her dad's head with my measuring tape. Everything is 44 inches, according to her.

The other day I was cutting a sleeve for this awesome dress I am making, and Lucy said she wanted to make a pattern too. So I gave her a scrap of pattern paper, a pencil and my ruler, which she used to draw some pants (so she says). Then she asked for fabric, which I gave her, and pins (don't call Child Services on me). She pinned the paper to the fabric, and then folded it all up and put in her bed under the covers. When I asked why, she said "I'm making pants, and they need to grow."

 Here's Lucy sewing her pants on her sewing machine. And yes, that's chocolate ice cream on her face. I wasn't kidding about the junkfood.

At Least They're Modest...

Just so you know, if you Google "preteen dress sewing pattern" all you get is a bunch of sites hawking "modest" (read: ugly) vintage patterns favoured by FLDS members. Seriously, I found 10 sites with titles like "Kathy's Modest Sewing Patterns Page" and "Modest Clothing! Sew your own modest dresses, women's clothing." (Exclamation mark theirs).

Why Google "preteen dress sewing pattern"? I've signed on to sew two flower girl dresses for a wedding in the fall — one for my almost-three-year-old and another for a preteen who will actually be more of a junior bridesmaid. So tonight I've been searching the far reaches of the Internet for every preteen dress sewing pattern out there. There aren't many. But the good news is there is a truck-load of wackadoodle patterns out there and I dragged them all onto my desktop for you.

Take Neue Mode, for example. I'd never heard of the European pattern-maker, but apparently the company has a corner on the racially insensitive costuming market. I'm pretty sure little Madison would get sent home from school for dressing up like a .....what? Don't make me say it, Neue Mode. OK: A Chinaman. Or an Oriental. The yellow shirt? Overkill.
 
Or you could offend someone a little closer to home:

 And all it takes to turn Priest Chic into Kasbah Kool is some sandals, Raybans and a Kirpan in your belt.

Though it could be worse. Your kid could inadvertantly dress up like a key-karrying Klansman:

Or a "back massager." That's what this little fella on the left looks like to me. What do you think?

No, seriously. What the hell is that thing?

It's a Baby Bjorn, Which I Totally Don't Recommend

When you have a blog there are certain things you can track. For example, what did people search for when they stumbled onto my blog?

The oddest one yet has go to be: "baby carrier that Zach Galifinakis has"

Just thought I would share that.

Of All the Ways I Could Be Like Denise Huxtable, I Don't Want This To Be The One

Remember this shirt? Theo's "Gordon Gartrell" knock-off Denise sewed for him when Cliff wouldn't give him the $95 he wanted for a designer shirt to impress his date?

I'm straying into Gordon Gartrell territory today: my collar is too small and my sleeves are too big for my menswear-style blouse for patternmaking class. I can see where I went wrong with my collar, but the sleeves don't make any sense. The pattern is perfect. I must have eaten up extra seam allowance in sewing in my yoke. Lesson learned: respect your seam allowances or you could end up like this!

Check out this guy I found. He made a Gordon Gartrell for Halloween a few years back. Hilarious:

 

Though this is still my favourite obscure Halloween costume:

Feathers are the new "Put A Bird On It!"

If you haven't seen the new IFC show Portlandia, get thee to Youtube/Hulu/www.ifc.com stat! It's a series of sketches starring my favourite Saturday Night Live cast member Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein, guitarist from the band Sleater-Kinney. Each sends up an aspect of Portland culture but is so ridiculous.... I love it. Anyone, one funny clip is this one called "Put a Bird On it!"

I think the new "Put A Bird On It" is feathers (though it's really the same thing because feathers come from birds, right?). Anyway, I am so on board with putting feathers on everything. Here's a dress I made last week (It's the Anda pattern on Burdastyle.com. It's really, really easy):

And here's the feather I put on it (using machine embroidery)!

 

Here's a beautiful necklace I got for Christmas from Ryan. It's from Etsy seller Sora Designs:

 

and here it is close up:

 

  Some other examples of Putting A Feather On It (from Mod Cloth):

My Husband, the Storyteller

I met this guy here with the mandolin 5&1/2 years ago in Winnipeg. He was performing his first solo show Pentecostal Wisconsin, which is all about growing up Pentecostal in Wisconsin and then leaving it all behind. I loved the show — and his dimples even more. I tracked him down later that night and yadda yadda yadda, two years later we got married at City Hall in New York City.

Listening to him tell a good story is almost as good as seeing it live. He had a funny tale yesterday on CBC Radio's Definitely Not The Opera. It's about being humiliated by a bunch of kids. You can listen here:  http://podcast.cbc.ca/mp3/dnto_20110226_45945.mp3

Late last year I got to see Ryan perform at a storytelling night in NYC. Storytelling is super popular right now (Take the Moth, for example, which has spread from NYC to four cities and a travelling roadshow, plus a very popular podcast and celebrity storytelling nights), and it's a form in which Ryan really excels. I don't often get to see him perform because babysitters are expensive and I'm at home with our kid while he's out. But we coughed up the money so I could see him tell a story I'd heard over a dozen times, and it was so worth it to be reminded why I was attracted to him in the first place. His story is the first in this podcast of the popular Risk show: http://risk-show.com/2010/12/episode-206-eye-of-the-beholder/

Risk was created and is hosted by Kevin Allison of the legendary sketch comedy troupe The State. Here's another great story by Ryan (his story is the last one) at a Risk storytelling night. This one is about the Rapture and losing his mom to kidney disease. One of those two things is the end of the world for a kid raised Pentecostal. You have to listen to find out which one: http://risk-show.com/2010/05/episode-116-the-end/

These aren't sacred undergarments, they're Spanx! Really

My husband in his sacred undergarments on the set of Law & Order: SVU.
(Just kidding: that's an old undershirt!)

There are these people in my building who I am convinced don't like us because they think we are Mormon.

This would sound totally absurd to anyone who knows me, but if you are a white lady pushing a stroller down the street in our corner of a not-very-diverse NYC neighborhood made up mostly of Dominicans, chances are you're a Latter Day Saint. Oh, and my kid is blond. Damn, are we Mormon?

Anyway, it really gets me because these people who don't like us seem cool and smart and totally like people we would usually get along with. It's not like they're rude, but when I say hi to this woman, she says hi back and then always looks just a little disgusted with herself.

But short of inviting this couple to a coffee-fueled orgy at our place I can't really think of a good way to convince them otherwise. Also, I never see them in the laundry room, which is too bad because then they would see that I'm NOT washing load after load of temple garments. (Also of interest: apparently attending temple is a little like a P. Diddy party; everyone wears white on white! It's a little creepy though. The online stores that sell Mormon temple duds have names like White Elegance and Dressed in White. But just try to find some Mormon undergarments online. I've been searching for 20 minutes and I can't find any)

Anyway, I told my husband that I thought these hip neighbors didn't like us because they think we're Mormons, and he said: "No way, we're not good-looking enough." And he's right! We walk by their church on Sunday morning on the way to brunch or the playground or whatever, and it looks like a casting call for The Bachelor. Everyone going into that place is at least a 7. In fact, my husband said, he would be super flattered if someone thought he was a Mormon. It would be a compliment, he reasoned, because they're so hot (and not in the literal my-sacred-undergarments-are-giving-me-hot-flashes kind of way).

AND THEN: Last week a friend of a friend mistook my husband for a Mormon. The reasons being geography (our apartment's proximity to the church), whiteness and the fact my husband refers to himself as an "elder." OK, joking about that last one.

My husband was pretty horrified, having grown up in an equally evangelical church where speaking in tongues was totally the norm but the Mormon church was seen as a cult. What can I say? He's from the midwest. I'm Canadian. We're wholesome looking. Oh, and I love to sew and shit, and I blog about it, which apparently Mormon housewives do too, as explained in this Salon.com column on one feminist's obsession with crafty Mormon moms' design blogs. (Thanks to my friend Danielle for pointing that out).

OK, to recap: blond kid, a husband who wears white undershirts every day (see photo), and I wish my blog were as cute and popular as the Mormon moms' blogs. We may as well convert. And the first people I am inviting to our sneaky Sunday post-church meet-and-greet are the artists upstairs.

Winnign Chinches

Yesterday I saw this sign taped to an old orange couch on the sidewalk with the trash. I asked my Dominican friend what it says. You guessed it: "chinches" are bedbugs.